Member-only story
Other People’s Happiness is Not Your Responsibility (Not Even When It’s Your Spouse)
It’s not about being selfish, it’s about impossibility
One of the biggest things I learned by going to a counselor was this — you can’t MAKE other people happy. You can twist yourself into a pretzel, you can be a slave or a doormat, you can spend a million bucks — whether the other person is happy or not IS UP TO THEM.
The other thing I learned is that people are unhappy because of their own shit. Sometimes you might do something to annoy or upset them, but when they pay out on you, that’s not about you — that’s about them. About their own insecurities, doubts, fears, mental unwellness or shame.
All the same, it’s really, really hard to deal with someone yelling at you, or being nasty or rude or stabbing you in the back. I’ve felt that burning sense of “WTF?”, too, and the angry feelings in response. I’ve cried, and I’ve also carried the anger for much longer than I should.
I confess that there are a few people I have never been able to forgive. Ever.
I guess I am human.
Some examples. Someone very close to me, who had been a nurse for more than 30 years, got cancer. She had a big operation, she recovered (but was told her condition was…
